Does Your Relationship Feel Like It Isn’t The Safe Haven It Used To Be?

Have hurt, anger, and fear of abandonment taken the place of love and understanding? Do you and your partner find yourselves:

• Sleeping in separate beds and feeling more like roommates than partners?

• Shutting down or disconnecting from each other instead of working things through?

• Going from argument to argument and struggling to reach any sort of resolution?

Maybe the two of you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around each other and you go through each day worrying about what the other is thinking and feeling. Every conversation seems to turn into a war of words and you struggle to talk through your problems civilly.

On the other hand, perhaps you’re not fighting all the time, but your relationship just isn’t the safe haven it once was. You feel like two ships passing in the night, and you’re hoping that couples therapy can help you restore your intimacy and connection and rekindle the love you had for each other in the beginning.

Major Life Transitions May Have Thrown A Curveball Into Your Relationship

Maybe your relationship felt relatively peaceful until kids came along. Or perhaps you’re adjusting to life as empty nesters and you find that your relationship is less peaceful now that your kids are out of the picture—all your disagreements and stuck points are more glaring. You may have an adult child who won’t seem to leave the nest, creating conflict over whether you should still financially support them. 

If you and your partner are recently retired, you might find yourselves struggling to figure out what to do with your time together. Perhaps there are new medical diagnoses in your lives, or infidelity has entered the picture and made you wonder if your marriage was ever rock-solid to begin with. 

Regardless of what your challenges are, it’s clear that you’re going through changes together. As a couples therapist, it’s my goal to help you navigate these changes as teammates instead of as adversaries. With the right guidance, support, and determination, you can break out of negative cycles and feel seen, heard, and understood again. 

If Your Relationship Is Struggling, You’re Not Alone

Every couple goes through seasons of conflict and disconnection. When you think of couples you know who seem to have an unshakeable bond, chances are they’ve had to work hard for it. Falling in love can feel easy and seamless; cultivating a healthy long-term relationship takes years of struggle. 

After all, being able to maintain a long-term relationship means being able to stick together even when the relationship changes. For many couples, their connection shifts most drastically when they have kids. For others, the biggest shift occurs when their children leave the nest. 

My area of Tucson, Arizona, is a hotbed for retired couples, many of whom move here from the east and west coasts. For them, they often have to start afresh when they get here, and that can be incredibly daunting. Oftentimes, retiring and relocating brings out unfamiliar challenges, since it forces couples to spend more time with each other and leaves them with fewer distractions from their problems.

Most Of Us Unconsciously Mimic What We Saw In Our Parents’ Relationships

According to psychologist Mark Travers, there are five main reasons marriages fall apart:

• Sacrificing individual needs 

• Enabling negative behaviors

• Disrespecting boundaries 

• Navigating external stressors

• Dealing with uncertainty 

The truth is that many of these problems stem from deeper core issues that are related to our families of origin. Without knowing it, we tend to internalize the behaviors that were modeled for us by our parents and society as a whole. We end up resorting to the behaviors that are familiar, even if they’re toxic or unhealthy, replicating them in our adult relationships over and over again.

Sometimes it simply takes a trained eye to help us see that what we’re doing isn’t working. The value of a couples counselor is that they can hold a mirror up to our relationships, allowing us to view our situation from a more grounded and realistic perspective.

Therapy Can Help Couples Become Better Partners, Lovers, And Friends 

On your own, it’s easy to feel like you’re repeating the same arguments and going in circles. In couples counseling, my job is to help you pinpoint where the disconnect really lies, listening for returning themes in your communication and paying attention to how attachment issues get played out. From time to time, I may stop our conversations to help you slow down and pay attention to what’s going on internally, bringing any unspoken anxieties and vulnerabilities to the surface. 

By learning to listen more effectively and approach each other from this place of empathy, you can not only break negative cycles, but also deepen your love for each other. You may not be able to turn back the clock to when you first met, but with my help, you can ultimately build a connection that’s even more special—one that’s more grounded, mature, and realistic, but still loving, affectionate, and spontaneous.

What To Expect In Couples Counseling Sessions

How I approach couples therapy varies depending on where you and your partner are in your marriage or relationship and what you’re looking to get out of our time together. I work with couples who are engaged, married, or in long-term relationships. 

In the beginning, I’ll typically hold a consultation with both of you to discuss the issues that bring you to couples therapy. After that, I’ll meet with both of you individually so that I can understand more about your individual relationship histories and establish good working rapport. Then we’ll resume meeting together for the remainder of our work, digging deep into the attachment wounds and negative communication patterns interfering with your growth as a couple. 

Some of the main approaches I draw from in couples counseling include: 

• Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you become more in tune and aware of the emotional reactions you have repeatedly experienced when in conflict with your partner so that you can eventually change your emotional responses to more adaptive ones. And as a result, build a more secure and loving connection. 

• Imago Therapy to learn how to become more empathic toward your partner through the use of practicing certain scripts developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, the founders of Imago therapy.

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you challenge the negative beliefs and thought patterns that pull you and your partner away from each other.

When you’re feeling dysregulated, I can also teach mindfulness skills and deep breathing techniques for staying calm during moments of conflict. Over time, the little changes you make in how you relate to one another can add up to seismic shifts in your relationship. You can become not only better partners, but also better friends—able to laugh, relax in each other’s presence, and turn toward each other again.

You May Have Some Questions About Marriage And Couples Therapy…

What if I want this to work out but my partner isn’t sure?

This is not an easy place to be, especially if your partner isn’t sure about continuing the relationship. It’s important to remember that counseling can’t tell you what to do about your future together, but it can give you the space to openly and honestly explore what’s best for the two of you. It’s a chance to air your feelings in a productive way, to gain clarity on whether your challenges are solvable and where your disconnection really lies.

After all, there are often a thousand questions that go unanswered in the wake of a breakup. So even if your relationship doesn’t work out, wouldn’t you like to move forward knowing why, both for your sake and your partner’s?

What if you end up siding with my partner?

My job as a couples therapist is to hold the line between both of you. I’m not here to take sides, but to understand the cycle of communication you’re stuck in and explore how each of you manages your emotions when you’re hurt or misunderstood. This doesn’t mean that I will shy away from pointing out unhealthy behaviors, but it does mean that I keep you both accountable. 

Have you ever dealt with couples facing issues as big as ours?

Every couple has their own unique story. That said, I’ve been working with couples for a long time, many of whom are trying to sort out the emotional impact of affairs, grief and loss, and other major life changes. No matter how daunting your challenges seem, I’m here to help you process, reflect, and listen to each other, drawing from evidence-based approaches to ensure that your goals are met and your needs are taken care of.

Break Unhealthy Cycles And Deepen Your Love For Each Other

Every relationship needs a tuneup now and then, and that’s what couples therapy is for. It’s an opportunity to breathe new life into your marriage or relationship, whether you’ve been together for five years or fifty years. To learn more about my approach, which encompasses the elements of different evidenced-based practices for working with couples, I encourage you to fill out the contact form. I look forward to hearing from you! 

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