From the day we enter this world, we start forming relationships with our caregivers. As these relationships progress, it starts to shape how we maneuver into adulthood.
Part of this process is the development of attachment patterns. They influence how we view trust, intimacy, emotion management, safety, and security.
You would hope that every child has a healthy relationship with their caregivers and then goes on to have secure attachments. Unfortunately, we know that isn’t always the case. Children whose needs go unmet typically form insecure attachments.
These attachment styles can be a key player in how we manage connections and relationships as adults. Let’s explore a bit further how childhood attachments can influence adult relationships.
Attachment Styles
The idea of attachment theory revolves around four different styles.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment develops when a child has a healthy upbringing and their needs are attended to. They often grow up feeling safe, loved, and supported. Because of this, they have a strong sense of self-worth and have learned how to trust in others. These are people who go on to form healthy relationships as adults.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment occurs when a child did not have consistent caregiving habits. Their caregivers may have been unpredictable. Needs weren’t always met. They need reassurance and often have a fear of being abandoned, further driving the vicious circle to seek reassurance. In adulthood, this can manifest as feelings of insecurity and the need to be validated by another.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant Attachment develops when a child received frequent rejection or negative criticism. They don’t feel supported or loved. They often feel misunderstood and down about themselves. As an adult, they may maintain a distance from others as a means of self-preservation. They also do things to avoid feeling vulnerable to rejection and criticism again.
Disorganized Attachment
This one is a bit more involved. It often results after trauma or a significant negative experience. When emotions and memories are not processed effectively, it can lead to inconsistent behaviors and confusion. One day there may be validation seeking behaviors, the next there are avoidant actions.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
There is a direct link between childhood and adulthood based on attachment styles.
Those who developed secure attachment styles go on to build their own relationships based on the experience they had as children. They can be characterized by love, trust, support, and intimacy. These relationships are fulfilling and demonstrate strong bonds. Communication and conflict resolution are effective.
Those with anxious attachments fear abandonment and have relationships that can be characterized by jealousy, control, and possessiveness. A common term used to describe them is codependent.
Avoidant attachment styles often lead to surface level relationships that don’t hold any emotional connection. Disorganized attachment styles may have some element of each of the others depending on the day. One thing is for sure, the non-secure styles share an underlying theme of toxic or unhealthy relationships.
Breaking the Pattern
The first step in making any corrections is understanding your attachment style and how it came to be. Just because this is the style you currently have, doesn’t mean you can’t shift it to a secure attachment.
Performing some self-reflection may help you identify areas that can be improved upon. What are your typical emotional responses in the face of a challenge? How effective do you feel your communication skills are? What types of activities do you do to cope with stress?
Working with a relationship therapist can help you identify your attachment style and understand how it developed a bit further. Together, we can establish the needed coping strategies to work through it and transition into that secure attachment.
Are you struggling with relationship dynamics? Schedule an appointment and chat further!